Well, folks, it seems like Vladimir Putin has hit a new level of 3D chess — he’s now moved from annexing territories to endorsing Kamala Harris for U.S. president. That's right, in a recent speech from Vladivostok, where he’s usually more focused on annexing chunks of Ukraine, Putin took a moment to flex his foreign influence by expressing support for none other than the reigning queen of awkward laughs herself.
But let’s not jump ahead. Putin was initially there to address the Russian army’s "sacred duty" to throw Ukraine out of its borders. You know, because it’s not a proper Putin speech unless it’s packed with a mix of self-congratulation and military fantasy. He was clearly unfazed by last month's stunning Ukrainian assault on Kursk, a move that was supposed to make Russia “nervous and fidgety.” Which is Putin-speak for “I was totally planning on losing some of our land for a bit; it’s called strategy.”
In fact, Putin confidently declared that the Russian army, ever the poster children of precision warfare (sure, Jan), had “stabilized the situation” and was now advancing by the square kilometer in Ukraine’s Donbas region. Not to worry, though! This brilliant master tactician assured everyone that the surprise Ukrainian invasion of Russian territory was part of his plan all along. It’s always good to know your troops can lose land, yet still be winning. Logic—so good even Schrödinger would be confused.
Meanwhile, Ukraine’s President Zelenskyy, who still seems to be in control of about 500 square miles of Russian land, is probably wondering if Putin's been watching a different war. Putin’s remarks about Ukraine soon devolved into a ramble about their recruitment strategies, comparing them to the Hitler Youth. It was as if Putin went into his rhetorical closet and pulled out his well-worn “Everyone I don’t like is a Nazi” trope—classic!
And then there was the Harris bombshell. During the forum, Putin turned to U.S. politics with all the subtlety of a brick through a window. After tossing a sarcastic grenade at President Biden for being “removed from the race” (news to us, Vlad), he casually dropped that Russia would be backing Kamala Harris in the upcoming election. Why? Because, according to him, she has an “expressive and infectious laugh.” Well, if that’s not the hallmark of solid foreign policy expertise, I don’t know what is!
But wait, it gets better. Putin, dripping with sarcasm, hinted that perhaps if Harris does well, she won’t be as hard on Russia as Trump was. Yes, the same Trump who has practically written love letters to Putin. Because apparently, in Putin-land, endorsing Harris is the best way to get Trump reelected. Again, 3D chess.
So what does this all mean? Does Putin think Kamala Harris is a secret Russian sleeper agent? Or is this just his latest tactic to confuse the masses, keeping everyone guessing about where his loyalties lie? Either way, we can all agree on one thing: it’s a political blunder for the ages, one that deserves its own commemorative t-shirt.
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